Friday, 13 February 2015

I thought I was tough until.....

Mom's are made of tough stuff. You have to be strong right?
As soon as you become a mum you become part of a special club. You've nurtured and carried a growing baby for well what seems like the best part of forever. You've endured the worst pain possible and brought that little person into the world. That's the first tough thing achieved on the motherhood journey.

Now I became an honorary member of this club three times with the arrival of Matthew madeleine and William. But somewhere along my journey I was chosen to be a member of a different club. A club where life isn't always rosy, where you're stretched to your limits and one where you have to be tough. A club where your baby will grow up being 'special'.

So here I was, a tough mummy.  I didn't realise I was a member of this club until Harry was 3mths old.
I was tough when they told me my baby had cancer.... Harry needed me.
I was tough when I sat by practically helpless as they pumped toxic chemicals into his tiny little body. So toxic the side effects could kill him, so toxic I couldn't even change his nappy without wearing gloves and plastic aprons. But he needed them to save his life.
I was tough when I saw him turn ashen and grey, and held him whilst they transfused blood into him. Several times. I thank God for blood donors.
I was tough when I saw that even me cuddling him was causing him pain and seeing him covered in bruises. I again held him several times whilst he received platelets. Thank god for those donors again.
I was tough when I realised the chemo was making him sick and stopping him growing and watched whilst they fed a tube up his nose and into his stomach. He screamed blue murder and pulled it out daily, only to have it put back daily.
I was tough when I had to keep an eye on his temperature, all the time. A simple cold could set back his treatment.
I was tough when I watched my baby struggle and fight off septicaemia - twice.
I was tough when I took him into theatre for his Eua and watched him struggle as they put him to sleep - more than 30 times.
I was tough when I had to leave my other 3 children for the countless trips to hospital, Lancaster Manchester and Birmingham.
I was tough when I watched harry go into preschool and left him. I had no control over those few hours.
I was tough when I soothed him after yet another bump or tumble.
I was tough when I registered my son as severely sight impaired /blind.
I was tough when I was told my child had a lifelong heightened risk of secondary cancers.

I had to be tough, I am a member of this "special " club.

Yet my toughness disappeared in a single moment last week. I was reduced to a blubbing wreck. Harry, out of the blue, told me "I can see mummy from this side of my eye (pointing to his right eye) but I can't see mummy with this (pointing to his left) and I can't see anything. Please can you fix my eyes mummy and get me new eyes then I can see"

Mum's are supposed to make everything better, mum's are magic but I can't make him better. And that's soul destroying. So I'm not really that tough after all.